The Little Things That Grow

Fighting through intensive treatment is an exhausting journey. Reaching the end of this portion of recovery is an incredible relief. I remember feeling overjoyed that the work was finally complete. After all, the weight had been gained and the meal plan was etched into my mind. I felt ready to face the world with my armor of coping strategies and had no intention of returning to my disordered ways. I have come to realize that there is danger in this time, and that the anorexic voice can sneak in undetected and take over faster than I would have ever believed. The truth is leaving treatment marks the starting point of a new battle. Transitioning back into the real world is, as we are warned, and equally difficult and dangerous time. I've discovered that the "little things" that seem unimportant are my greatest threats of relapse.

    Toward the end of treatment, the concept of maintenance is repeatedly stressed and restressed by professionals. The importance of maintaining above one's low end, maintaining a meal plan, maintaining food choices and variety, and maintaining the separation from exercise is repeated time and time again. There are graph studies, extensive pieces of data to prove the importance of holding onto all the changes. At the end of my first inpatient stay I remember thinking that all the sounded a bit paranoid. The reentry of the anorexic voice came in the form of a "What's the big deal?" attitude. The accompanying thoughts seemed innocent enough. I remember thinking "Who cares if I am 2 pounds below my goal weight? Why does it matter if I use diet products? Everyone does it! I don't want to go back to my illness, I just want to be healthy and fit!" Although these thoughts don't seem disordered, they represent a shifting definition of healthy that led me back in treatment with a matter of months. If there is one thing I have learned, it is the little things grow.

    Straying away from maintenance meal plan fuels the disorder and keeps it alive and well. I've discovered that feeding the anorexia, whether it's in the form of a couple of pounds or skimping on portions, leads me down the slippery path. Soon the little things grow in number of severity. IF there is one piece of advice I could give somebody leaving treatment, it would be this: "Don't feed the voice." Maintaining seems arduous and overly cautious at times, but the anorexia only needs a little bit of fuel to start a fire. The shifting view of "healthy" that strays from what we were taught in treatment is likely the disorder trying to worm it's way in.

    Now having completed my second inpatient stay, I know the "little things" I have to watch out for. I am faced with all the familiar urges and annoying anorexic thoughts. I still find myself doubting and questioning the importance of maintaining all the little things. However, I know from experience that where my eating disorder is concerned, the smallest spark can restart the fire. Although it continues to be a struggle, I know the my path to freedom requires my continued efforts and vigilance. So in the name of recovery, I will continue to fight against all aspects of my disorder, including the "little things."

~Eating Disorder Survivor