What is really frustrating to me in recovery was that recovery doesn't happen overnight. In the perfectionism world I always wanted to have the perfect recovery, but in reality that is not how recovery works. Today, I can honestly say I am perfectly imperfect. Recovery isn't a straight line to be fully recovered. In recovery you will hit bumps, slip, and even slide along the way and that's okay! As long as you keep moving or sometimes staying where you are is taking a huge step towards a better life and a better YOU! Just because you have lapsed or even relapsed doesn't mean you have failed. You have the choice to pick yourself up and try again. You will also learn from your falls as well. I believe that those who have battled an eating disorder or even a really traumatic event are the strongest people I know. Those who have not been in our shoes are the ones that would fall apart. We have the tools from being in recovery to help those in need.
While I was recovery I experienced some emotions that I hadn't felt before. Intense tears came and I want you to know it's okay to cry. I felt numb and wasn't quite sure how to experience these "new" emotions that were coming out like a flood of water. At some point in recovery you have to get in touch with all the pain, all the underlying issues that you have been stuffing for so long which come out in unhealthy ways-the eating disorder. Give your recovery all you got and you will see the reward. When you truly put all your effort, and want recovery more than anything in the world well, that is a precious gift to receive. Don't let Ed lure you back into his direction because I promise you it won't make you happy.
Just because you have changed doesn't mean other people will change and you have to tell yourself "that is about them" I am moving forward regardless. I still to this day have family members who will never change or understand what it is like to battle and eating disorder. I have lost friends as well...probably for the best. I believe that anybody that "truly" wants recovery can have it. It may take one step at a time, one day at a time, or even one minute at a time, but if I can do it I know that you too can pursue recovery. What matters most to you? Is it your recovery or is it staying in the grips of the eating disorder? The ultimate choice to choose the path of recovery is entirely up to you! Try and separate the Ed voice from yours and see what you can come up with. You see, once you hit the amazing place of recovery you are able to pursue your dreams, reach for your goals, and find what you purpose in life is. For me, my calling and purpose is to make a difference in others that are struggling the same battle I have. I want to spread awareness and education that it's not okay to engage in a relationship with Ed.
What is your purpose? What are your goals? What are your dreams?
Recovery is ALWAYS possible so, never ever give up because hope is waiting around the corner for you.
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