RIP Melissa

So, as a good friend of mine passed away right before Christmas it reminds that this illness can catch you at any time during your recovery.  You can be doing everything right that you learned in a treatment center or as an outpatient and then*boom* you are needing to be medically hospitalized.  You are in a very dangerous situation with eating disorder symptoms which can ultimately end your life.

Melissa was a wonderful person who was full of life and all that jazz, she loved pink, high heel shoes, and glitter, but with all that said she still struggled because even though you are in recovery doesn't mean the eating disorder is gone.  It still exist even if you are not acting out on behaviors that **voice** still looms in the back of your head trying to convince you to go back to your old unhealthy behaviors. You have to fight the demon in your head everyday.  In recovery you can NEVER take a day off or you will slip into a lapse or even a relapse. When you are in recovery and have other co-existing problems they often take place of the eating disorder and I think in all honesty that is what happened with Melissa.  It is no doubt that she left her mark in the world and inspired millions of people through blogging, the media, public awareness, and speaking.  To many she was a role model who was at death's bed 5 years ago and then was at a healthy weight and loving her life.

Melissa was a blogger for Rader Programs at Pacific Shores Hospital in Ventura, California.  I years ago it seems attended that hospital.  It was a good program, but had flaws which now I know have changed for the better. She had a wonderful boyfriend who she truly loved, her own apartment, and oh could she ever dance as she calls it "jiggy" I'm reminded with much sadness when I hear the song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles.  I think others will agree that this was her song, her mark to "be brave" even if she couldn't.  She wanted to brighten and shine everyone's world even if she couldn't do the same for herself.  A doctor whom I know at Rader had told her "it's time to move on" it really broke her heart because she loved her job and helping others.  I believe it was her true calling to help others. I think that's when the demon came back. She just couldn't fight it anymore.

As I think about Melissa and how she had it all together-or did she?  I look at my own life struggling with an eating disorder and yet my body is falling apart due to all the years of abuse.  I have arthritis, can't run anymore among many other things.  So, this is a reminder to pursue recovery and never give up on life. Life is so very precious and we need to cherish it because you never know when your time is up.  That applies to friends and family too!  Be there for each other.  You must never ever give up on those that care about you/. The ones you laugh with, smile, love, never underestimate your true values, and most importantly believe in you.  In the long run, they will be beyond grateful for being there and knowing what true kindness really is about.  Someday, just someday they will thank you for everything you did.  I have a friend that I feel like this. I would bend over backward, donate a lung, do anything for them.  She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her daily texts or snail mail. She brightens my day like no other.

RIP Sweet Melissa

Healthy Coping Skills

In Recovery I think that it's essential that we have a "coping toolbox"  I know I have mine and when things become overwhelming I can turn to healthy things rather than unhealthy behaviors that spiral back into the eating disorder mindset.

Coping Skills

• Affirmations
• Painting your nails
• Gratitude Lists
• Journaling/Blogging
• Snail Mail
• Music
• Arts and Crafts
• Support Groups
• Pet Therapy
• Reading
• Texting or Calling a person that you really trust
• Social Media (as long as it's healthy)
• Facebook, Snapchat, or Google Talk
• Taking a hot shower

The Question is When?

This is my own personal writing as I was just pondering everything I have gone through in the past 17 years with my eating disorder.

The question is when?
When are you going to stop taking orders from the mirror?
When are you going to stop letting a number on the scale make or break your day?
When are going to take your head out of the toilet?
When are you going to stop the pills?
When are you going to stop lying to everybody?
When are you to stop stuffing all you pain inside?
When are you going to stop hating yourself?
When are you going to stop running from everything and everybody?
When are you going to stop starving, binging, and purging?
When are you going to stop wasting your life away?
When will you finally let go?
When will you stop listening to the voice in your head-the eating disorder?
When will you stop trying to be in control of everything?
When will you stop over-exercising?
When will you begin to trust others?
When will you learn to reach out for help?
When are you going to start trusting your treatment team?
When are you going to believing in yourself?
When will you let go of shame and guilt?
When are you going to actually eat and follow your meal plan?
When are you going to respect your body?

Some of these may apply to you so, look inside yourself and ask yourself why use these unhealthy behaviors to cope? What is the underlying issue that you need to cope in this way?  You may not know right away or perhaps you do know.  I urge to talk to a professional if you are struggling and seek help because these behaviors come with consequences and you are more than your eating disorder will ever offer you.

"If you give you eating disorder an inch, it will take a mile"
~My Dietitian

Medical Complications

Medical complications with eating disorders are tricky.  They come out of nowhere even if you are in recovery and doing well you are still at risk of these complications and can still be just as fatal

MEDICAL COMPLICATIONS

• Low Blood Pressure
• Abnormal EKG
• Abnormal EEG
• Dry skin
• Lanugo
• Hair Loss 
• Insomnia
• Waking up several times during the night and unable to go back to sleep
• Bradycardia
• Tachycardia 
• Hypothyroidism
• Hyperthyroidism
• Iron deficiency
• Anemia
• Cold Intolerance
• Low Potassium
• Electrolyte Imbalance
• Constipation
• Dehydration
• Impaired Kidney Function
• Abdominal pain, bloating, or fullness
• Delayed gastric emptying 
• Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS)
• Sensitivity to sounds
• Menstrual irregularities in women
• Blurred vision
• Osteoporosis (not reversible)
• Osteopenia (which can be reversed)
• Arthritis
• Increased dental cavities
• Erosion of enamel
• Oral sensitivity
• Cardiovascular problems (arrhythmia, irregular heart beats)
• Abnormal slow heart rate
• Fainting, Fatigue, or overall weakness
• Possibility of ruptured esophagus
• DEATH

If you are experiencing medical complications please go to the nearest hospital or call 911 and then follow up with a medical doctor who has knowledge in eating disorders. You may also call the NEDA HOTLINE and they can direct you to the proper treatment 1-800-931-2237 www.nationaleatingdisorders.org or www.edreferral.com

Remember you are NOT ALONE and HELP is always available

What If Today...

What if today...you started the day off on the other foot?
What if today you put aside your  worries and instead focused on your goals?
What if today you actually said what you wanted to say?
What if today you actually listened when you supposed to?
What if you laughed when something was funny, but kept your mouth shut when it was not?
What if today you ignored "magazine covers", "skinny jeans", and "super models"?
What if today you ate what you wanted because you were hungry and stopped because you were full?
What if today you could be real, compassionate, and pure?
What if today was just like every day. ,Just imagine what you could do?

You are important and matter and can do whatever you set your mind to do.  Have goals, passions, and desires for your life and you never know what you can do until you try?  Push yourself hard for recovery and you make it I promise!

Moving Forward in Recovery

The feeling the one gets from being in recovery from an eating disorder is probably one of the most fulfilling things in the entire world.

Eating Disorder Recovery gives you a great sense of relief and it's as if you were being suffocated, but now you can FINALLY breathe.  There is pain no doubt in the initial stages of treatment.  At a point you are relieved to be out of your old unhealthy eating disorder behaviors and in a safe environment-protection.  But there is a huge part of you that wants to get up and pack you bags and leave.  This is where you need to be strong and say to yourself  "I can do this".  There is light at the end of that very dark and ugly tunnel, and it's not a freight train.

There are times in treatment where I personally felt all alone and no one to turn to or talk to.  I would go to my room and get in bed and cry.  All I wanted to do is stay in the warm bed because it was comfort, but I knew I had to pull myself out and face the eating disorder head on or it would take me 8 feet down into the ground.  Many people would ask me "Do you want to recover" or "Do you want to stay sick" I knew the answer, but was scared.  It's as if I wanted to recover, but also wanted a tiny bit of the eating disorder to tag along just in case I needed it.  Full recovery will not happen with the eating disorder tagging along.  You must pick yourself up off the ground and proceed forward with recovery.  Don't do it for your family, friends, teachers, or even mentors.  You have to do recovery for yourself because that's the only way it will really be full recovery. 

Are you going through a period questioning your own recovery? You can turn around and walk away if you choose, but I promise you it will not only land you where you started, but it will be a miserable full relapse. You will stay stuck-like glue.  Continue to move forward no matter what the circumstances are.  You CAN push through it...it's really not an option anymore it's a "I have to for myself".  Take a giant leap of faith and trust your treatment team, family, friends, mentors, or teachers and move towards recovery.  You won't regret it I promise you because life on the other side in recovery is the most amazing and rewarding feeling you can possibly have.  It's like an Ah-ha moment.

Top Ten Things To Tell Yourself

Top Ten Things to Tell Yourself in Those Moments When Your ED is trying to drag you down!

When you are feeling beaten down by your eating disorder or questioning recovery, what do you say to yourself??? Here are my top ten things to say to yourself when you feel like you need to reinforce staying in recovery.

 1. None of my problems will get better if I act on my eating disorder urges right now. Nothing ever gets better if I stay sick.

 2. Using this behavior right now is just masking the real problem. What am I trying to “accomplish” by using it? What is this urge trying to tell me?

 3. I cannot use a behavior just once and expect that I won’t want to use it again. Eating disordered behaviors are addictive. The more I use them, the more I want to use them.

 4. I need to stay stronger than my illness. I need to fight hard every single meal, every single day.

 5. I need to remember that recovery isn’t supposed to be comfortable. If I am not comfortable right now, I must be doing something right!

 6. Recovery doesn’t have to be perfect right now. I just need to do the best I possibly can in this moment.

 7. It is never too late to start over. No matter how long I have struggled, I can start my life over right now.

 8. My body doesn’t define me. I cannot hurt it through my eating disorder behaviors or other forms of self-harm. My recovery has to involve taking good care of myself – mind, body and soul.

 9. I need to eat food to nourish my body. I need to eat well each and every day for my body to be strong and healthy.

 10. I am NOT my eating disorder. My eating disorder is NOT my identity. It is an illness, not a choice but I am free and able to make the choices I need to make each and every day to get better, find my true identity and live free of this illness.

Life During Recovery

Life During Recovery: Questions to Ask Yourself

By Maggie Baumann, BA, Reprinted from Eating Disorders Recovery Today, Spring 2007 Volume 5, Number 2, (c) 2007 Gürze Books

What's life supposed to be like without the eating disorder? This is a question you'll need to consider if you are in recovery. Ask yourself: "If I woke up tomorrow morning and my eating disorder had magically disappeared, what would my life look like? What would be different? How would I know it's different?" Knowing how your life will be different gives you a clue as to what you want from recovery. How you answer is a very personal decision.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you have a clearer vision of what you want and need for staying in recovery:

Let Go of the Comfort Zone

Ask yourself: How can I keep going even when I feel uncomfortable?

Expect the recovery process to be uncomfortable. You have to live through the painful emotions and uncomfortable physical changes to reach your healing destination. For instance, take the objective of normalizing your behaviors with food. At first when you are asked to follow a structured food plan, it can feel overwhelming to think you have to eat three meals a day, plus snacks. With time and consistency, your body physically and emotionally adjusts to a normal eating pattern. And eventually, you'll be comfortable.

Lean on Support

Ask yourself: How can I allow others to support me?

Recovery is a time to let support in, not push it away. However, many people find it difficult to reach out and accept support from others. The truth is it's much easier to walk the road of recovery with someone walking alongside you than making the trip on your own. If you are having difficulty accepting support, think about how you feel when you are given the opportunity to provide support to others. Remember, it is a gift.

Set Small, Achievable Goals

 Ask yourself: What is one mini-goal I can set today?

No one says you have to recover overnight. Most people don't wake up one day free of the disorder when they've been struggling for months or even years. There are many mini-goals that need to be realized first before you can reach the ultimate goal. Your goal may be to eat out at a restaurant with friends without anxiety or guilt. To reach that goal, you may first have to practice eating meals with your family at home. Once you've successfully accomplished this goal, you can expand your repertoire to eating a meal with your family at a restaurant, and then move to eating a meal out with your friends. Keep in mind that your success in reaching your goals is often achieved when you break it up into smaller, more manageable pieces.

Make Peace with Normalcy

 Ask yourself: How will life be better when I am "normal?"

While it may feel anxiety provoking, let yourself make peace with normality: normal eating, normal body size, normal weight range, normal coping. I fought for many years from being "normal" at many levels. My behaviors when I was sick were very abnormal, but for some reason they felt safe. I was afraid of my identity being "normal." Recovery is a journey to normalcy and healing. This is not to say you can't be unique in your own right, but recovery from an eating disorder takes you to a place of normal functioning—and that's a healthy, productive, life-enhancing place to be. Don't fight it, embrace it.

Find Uniqueness the Healthy Way

 Ask yourself: What qualities make me a unique and special person?

Having an eating disorder sometimes becomes someone's identity. You may feel unique and special, and fear losing this identity—even if it's destroying lives along the way. Your task in recovery is to find your identity apart from the eating disorder. That person will be far stronger and more unique than any identity you could assume while being sick. Allow the passion of who you are meant to be bring you closer to your new, healthy identity, one living without the eating disorder.

This article was used with permission from Gürze Books. 

Source:NEDA

Recovery

Recovery is hard work.  It's a one day at a time kind of journey that is sometimes going to beat you down, but then that's when you get right back up and try again.  It has been said that "courage doesn't always roar, sometimes it means getting back up and trying again" Which is exactly the truth about Recovery.  Try over and over again until you get it right.  It's not something you can do on your own.  It requires asking for help when it is needed, attending a support group, having a good treatment team to be right there with you as you struggle, and outside support as well.

Well, by now you have probably guessed what this blog is going to be about...RECOVERY!  It's not something I take lightly and want to push the fact that you can do this.  I don't want to see another "In Loving Memory" on any kind of social media.  Eating Disorders are the most life threatning psychiatric illnesses.  They take so many lives each year.  Your friends,  Aunt, Grandmother, Brother, Sister, or even Niece.  They aren't just a women disease as men also struggle but are often too ashamed to seek help.  I urge those men that read this to ask for help.  It will be the best decision you will ever make.  

So, I offer you these tips as you go through your Recovery today
1. Do it for yourself-not for friends, parents, teachers, or family
2. Remember to forgive yourself.  You have done nothing wrong and this is not your fault
3. Every day is a fresh new start
4. Your Eating Disorder does not define who you are as a person.
5. Learn from your mistakes
6. Believe in yourself...you can do this!
7. Never Give Up
8. It never helps to dwell on the negative.  Find the positives in your life
9. You Matter
10.  Recovery will get easier over time.