Reasons To Be "Thin" And Why They Aren't True

1. You can look in the mirror, and feel good about what you see.

No number on the scale will ever be low enough to make you accept what you see in the mirror. Not because there is something wrong with your body, but because you don’t have an accurate perception of the way you look. The truth is that the way you feel about your body has little to do with your actual weight, and much more to do with the way you feel about who you are as a person. When you’re able to accept yourself and  embrace your flaws, who you are becomes enough and the desire to change your body in order to compensate for your faults no longer feels necessary. When you can love the person you are inside, you are able to love the person you see in the mirror.  

2. So that people will like you better and want to be your friend.

Anyone who chooses their friends based on the way they look is not someone you should be interested in pursuing a friendship with. You don’t choose your friends based on how thin they are. You choose them because of who they are and how they make you feel. You’re friends with people who make you laugh and smile. People who are there to listen and validate your experience. People who share your interests and beliefs. People who make you happy. You are no exception.

3. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Thinness is not synonymous with happiness. Being happy feels good. Pushing yourself beyond healthy means to achieve a perfect body, does not. Restricting makes you feel deprived, depressed, and detached. You feel weak, lightheaded, and dizzy. You have no energy and can’t concentrate. The time you take to obsessively exercise and count calories leaves you with little time to invest in your friendships, leaving you to feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected, with nothing but the scale as your friend. Ultimately, being “thin” causes you to lose so much more than weight. You lose friends, opportunities, and life experiences. You miss out on fun, love, and connection. You miss out on life.

4. Guys/girls will be attracted to you.

No matter what size you wear or what shape your body is, there will always be someone who isn’t attracted to you. Not because you’re inadequate or ugly, but because every person is unique in the qualities and features they find attractive in others. Beauty comes in every shape and size. It doesn’t discriminate. And honestly, beauty transcends appearance. Being attractive is less about having a beautiful body, and much more about having a beautiful soul. People can be beautiful in looks, but they can also be beautiful because of who they are. Because of how they make you feel. Because of the way they make you laugh and smile. Because they have made a difference in people’s lives. The way you look is such a small part of who you are. You are so much more than a number on the scale. And if a person chooses not to be attracted to you solely because of the way you look, then they aren’t worth your time.

5. People will remember you as the “beautiful, thin one”.

Is that really what you want to be remembered for when you die? For your appearance and weight? Because when I die, I want people to remember me for the person I am. I want to be remembered for being kind and loving and compassionate. I want to be remembered for being intelligent and brave and trustworthy. I want to be remembered for my integrity, my values, and my beliefs. I want to be remembered as a good friend and sister and daughter. I want to be remembered as someone who made a difference.

There is Hope...Recovery is Possible

I'll Be Happy When...

Our happiness always seems to come with conditions.

"I’ll be happy when I’m thin."

"I’ll be happy when I get good grades."

"I’ll be happy when I’m in a relationship."

"I’ll be happy when I get my dream job."

Looking to the external world to remedy an internal problem however, doesn’t work.

These things may bring us happiness, but it’s a happiness that is short-lived and temporary.

The reality is that happiness has no conditions.

It isn’t a destination or a person or something you can buy.

Happiness is something you create.

It’s an outlook and it’s a choice.

You find happiness when you stop fixating on everything going wrong in your life, and start focusing on all the things going right.

You find it when you stop comparing yourself to others, and start embracing who you are with love and acceptance.

You find happiness when you live in the moment—when you let go of the hurt from your past and the anxiety of the future; when you allow yourself to enjoy the possibility of today.

You find it when you stop holding yourself to impossible or unrealistic standards—when you let go of all the judgements and expectations; when you allow yourself to be exactly who you are and feel exactly what you feel.

You find happiness when you let go of the fear of failure; when you give yourself the permission to mess up and be imperfect; when you embrace your flaws; when you recognize that your mistakes don’t make you a failure—they make you human, and they help you to learn and grow.

The only thing preventing you from being happy, is you.

Decide that you deserve something more.

Stop listening to the voice telling you that you aren’t worthy of happiness.

It’s lying.

Because happiness isn’t something you earn.

It’s your birthright.

Reasons To Stop Making Comparisions

1. External things aren’t an accurate measure of self-worth.

Because we can most easily compare the things that we can objectively measure, we live in a world that is great at measuring and comparing externals. Somewhere along the way, we decided that we could determine who is living a more valuable life by comparing our clothes, cars, body size, weight income, beauty and occupation. The reality however is that external things do not define your self worth. The person you are inside—your character, your attitude, your goals and dreams, your morals and values, the way in which you treat others—these are truly self-defining. The external things don’t have the power to discount who you are as a person.

2. You always compare your worst with their best.

Comparing your life with others is always a losing proposition because there will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly live the perfect life. We always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions that we make about others. The truth is that other people’s lives are never as perfect as your mind make them out to be. Everyone struggles. Everyone feels insecure. No one’s live is easy. People tend to put their best face on in public. Know that what you see is not usually the whole picture.

3. There is no end to the comparison game.

There are an infinite number of categories upon which you can compare yourself, and an almost infinite number of people to compare yourself to. Once you start down that road, you will never, ever find an end.

4. Life isn’t a competition.

How you measure up against others holds absolutely no importance in your life. Other people’s strengths, talents, and successes don’t discount your own. They don’t define who you are as a person. Your goal in life isn’t to be better than everyone else. The goal is to be the best you that you can possibly be.

5. Comparison puts your focus on the wrong person.

You can control one life – yours. When you consistently compare yourself to others, you’re wasting precious energy and time by focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than your own.

6. Comparison robs you of joy.

Comparing yourself to others will always cause you to regret what you aren’t, rather than allow you to enjoy and celebrate who you are. It will always steal the joy and happiness that is within your reach. It keeps you from recognizing and appreciating all the wonderful things that make you, you. And ultimately, comparing prevents you from fully living your life. It causes you to envy and fixate on other people’s lives rather than experiencing and engaging in your own.

Making comparisons doesn’t make us feel any better. It makes us feel inadequate and worthless, and in many ways, it keeps us stuck. While the temptation to compare may never be completely eliminated, there are definitely some practical steps that you can take to challenge the comparison thoughts.

7. Recognize the inherent problems in comparing yourself to others.

You are a unique human being with an individual set of strengths, struggles, talents, insight, and characteristics. You can’t make comparisons, because as a unique person, you have a unique life. You can’t possibly expect your life to look like anyone else’s because there is no one else exactly like you.

8. Celebrate who you are.

Instead of focusing on all the things that other people have, start focusing on all the things make you special. You have so many wonderful things that make you who you are. These things that make you different are the things that make you beautiful. Don’t forget them.

9. Challenge the voice telling you that you aren’t good enough.

Your tendency to make comparisons isn’t a result of inadequacy. It stems from your insecurity and the belief that you aren’t good enough. When you can challenge these thoughts and counter them with truths. When you accept yourself for the person you are, and recognize all that you have to offer, the need to make comparisons will fade, because you’ll realize that other people’s lives and successes don’t have to take away from or discount all the things that make you wonderful.

10. Remember that nobody is perfect.

We live in a society that strives for perfection. The reality however, is that perfection is unrealistic and unobtainable. Everyone has flaws and imperfections. Everyone has made mistakes and messed up. No one’s life is perfect. You are no exception to that. Know that happiness doesn’t come from having the perfect life. It comes from looking past the imperfections and struggles and holding onto the good things. The sooner you stop striving for perfection, the sooner you can start enjoying your life.

11. Try something different.

Chances are that you’ve been comparing yourself to others for a long time. You know how awful it feels, and you know that it hasn’t really gotten you anywhere. So why not try something new? You have absolutely nothing to lose. So instead of shaming yourself for being different, try celebrating what makes you unique. Instead of beating yourself up for making a mistake, try accepting and loving yourself for who you are without conditions. Instead of striving for perfection, try to be the best you that you can be. Instead of making comparisons, try to remind yourself of all the things that make you special.

Recovery is Possible

Recovery is always possible no matter what your circumstances may be. Never ever give up on your life...you are worth more. The best day of your life will be the day when you choose recovery.

How To Cope with Loneliness

How To Cope With Loneliness

1. Separate your feelings from reality.

Recognize that feeling lonely doesn’t mean you are alone. There are a handful of people who love and care for you. In the moment when you’re feeling lonely, it’s hard to remember these people and that they are there. But the truth is that they do exist and to them, you matter.

And despite the feeling that you are alone, you are most certainly not alone in how you feel or what you’re going through. There are so many other people in the world who feel just as isolated and invisible as you do. When you find yourself feeling hopeless and inadequate, remind yourself of these people and that they are right beside you, fighting your same fight.

2. Feel your feelings.

When we start feeling the pang of loneliness, our first instinct is to find some way to get rid of it. Whether that means ignoring our feelings completely, stuffing them down, or trying to numb out using unhealthy coping mechanisms, we think that by avoiding our pain we can escape it. But in doing so, we end up perpetuating our hurt and keeping ourselves stuck.

Easing the loneliness takes allowing yourself to feel your feelings. Whether that means crying, journaling about how you feel, deep breathing, or simply sitting with the emotions, give yourself permission to feel your loneliness. Don’t judge your feelings or yourself for feeling them. Acknowledge the loneliness, and let it be. Be curious about why it’s there, and instead of treating it with criticism, tend to it with compassion and kindness.

3. Embrace your alone time.

Being alone doesn’t have to be a curse. It doesn’t mean you have to sulk in bed, feel inadequate, or beat yourself up. All that it means is that in this particular moment, you are by yourself and therefore, have the opportunity for self-discovery. Being alone gives you the chance to explore new interests, do things you’re passionate about, practice self-care, recharge, and relax. Use this time to get in touch with your soul. It needs your love and attention.

4. Reach out and connect.

When we’re feeling lonely, it’s difficult to sum up the courage to ask for support. We’re scared of burdening people with our struggles, having our experience invalidated, or altogether being ignored. We use the fact that no one has checked in with us as proof  that we’re invisible and insignificant. And so, we don’t reach out because we decide that no one would want to support us anyway. But by adopting these beliefs, we keep ourselves feeling isolated and alone.

The truth is that people can’t read our minds. They don’t know we’re hurting and in need of a friend unless we tell them. And they don’t know how to help unless we explain to them what we need. So instead of waiting for someone to reach out to you, make the initiative to reach out to them. Be proactive. Use your voice and assert your needs. People want to be there for you. They want to help. But they don’t know to act unless you ask and let them know how you’re feeling.

Reaching out isn’t easy and can even be scary, but by taking the risk, we provide ourselves with the opportunity to get support. If you reach out to one person and they don’t respond right away, don’t give up, and don’t take it personally. People can sometimes be busy. Just because one person isn’t available doesn’t mean no one will be.

Try other people. Leave a friend a voice mail and tell them how you’re feeling. Invite someone over. Ask to video chat. Make plans to meet up with a friend for a meal. Plan a trip to the movies or a walk at the park. The possibilities are endless. Support is available to you. You just have to give yourself permission to utilize it.

5. Remind yourself that it will pass.

In the moment, the pain of loneliness feels as though it will last forever. It feels wounding and incapacitating, and the idea of going another minute feeling this pain seems unbearable. But the truth is that like all feelings, it will pass. Maybe not this minute, maybe not for an hour or for the remainder of the night, but it will eventually subside.

Feelings are like waves. They come in strong, peek, and then fade. Loneliness is no exception. Just because you’re feeling it’s pain now doesn’t mean you will feel it’s pain forever. Breathe. In and out. Again and again, and remind yourself that this will pass. Remind yourself that you will make it through. Remind yourself that you have felt this loneliness before and survived it, and so, you can survive it today. It will pass. It always has and always will.

How To Find Self-Acceptance

How To Find Self  Acceptance

1. Identify and challenge your negative thoughts.

The first step towards finding self-acceptance is identifying the judgements you are attaching to your authentic self. Do you think you’re too much? Too emotional? Too quirky? Too shy? Too silly? Whatever the thoughts and beliefs are, identifying them is key because it allows you to challenge them.

Allowing your negative thoughts to go unchallenged gives them more power. Even if you don’t believe the things you say to counter the voice, it’s still important to speak out against it. Each time you argue with the thoughts, you are entertaining the notion that maybe, just maybe, it’s wrong. Each time you fight back, you’re taking away their power. The more you challenge the thoughts, the less you will believe them.

2.  Explore you reasons for holding back.

What your fears are about allowing the world to see you as you are? Are you scared of being judged? Abandoned? Criticized? Laughed at? When you can identify the beliefs, test out your anticipated outcome and see whether or not your fears become a reality.

Chances are, you will find that no one sees you in the same negative light you see yourself in. Just because a few people have responded negatively to your authentic self doesn’t mean everyone will. Just because you don’t approve of yourself doesn’t mean other people won’t either.

The truth is that not everyone is going to like and accept who we are. Not because we’re inadequate—but because everyone has different personalities, interests, beliefs, values, needs, and desires. Therefore, gaining everyone’s approval is an exhausting, unrealistic, and impossible goal. Know that when you compromise who you are for the sake of being accepted, you end up attracted people who value you for someone you aren’t.

Trust that when you allow your authentic self to shine that the right people will find there way into your life. These are the people who love and accept you without conditions—these are the people who matter. Let go of the rest. They don’t discount who you are.

3. Recognize your inherent worth.

Self-acceptance transpires when you’re able to recognize that self-worth isn’t something you earn—it’s something you’re born with. You have intrinsic value. You exist and therefore you matter. Your worth as a human being isn’t something up for negotiation—it just is.

2. Stop making comparisons.

Comparing yourself to other people doesn’t make you feel any better about who you are—it makes you feel worse and keeps you feeling inadequate. Whether or not you “measure up” to someone else is not an accurate basis of your self-worth. Instead of fixating on all the things you’re lacking, start focusing on all the things that make you wonderful and beautiful and special.

There will always be someone who weighs more or less than you. There will always be someone richer or poorer than you. Someone more well-liked or less well-liked than you. Someone more conventionally beautiful or less traditionally attractive than you. But there will never be another you. Your differentness isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s something to celebrate.

3. Stop using your appearance to define your worth.

The way you look is such a small part of who you are. How much you weigh, what you look like, the shape of your body, your skin color, ethnicity, and clothing size NOT have the power to discount your worth as a human being.

You are defined by who you are inside—by your character, your goals, your morals, your dreams, your heart, the love you have to give, your values, your attitude, and the way you treat others.

You are SO much more than how you look and what you weigh. You’re a spirit and a soul. You’re force of nature and a source of power. You’re energy and light and love. You’re full of insight, experience, potential, and possibility. You have so much more to offer this world than your appearance.

4. Redefine the qualities you feel ashamed of.

Recognize that no one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has unpleasant qualities, limitations, obnoxious habits, and annoying quirks. Those less favorable traits however aren’t all of who we are. They don’t discount our positive aspects, and they most certainly don’t make us undeserving of love.

Instead of using these qualities as proof of your inadequacy, choose to redefine them in a more positive light.

Being sensitive doesn’t have to be a sign of weakness. It can be a gateway to connection. Being sensitive helps people to treat others with compassion and kindness, form deep friendships, and sympathyze with the struggles of others. Sensitivity gives you a caring soul.

Being shy doesn’t have to be a social inadequacy. It makes people good listeners and helps them to be more observant of their surroundings. When you take the time to listen and watch what’s going on around you, you learn a lot.

Being childish doesn’t have to translate to immaturity. I can mean someone isn’t afraid to be silly and laugh themselves. Getting in touch with your inner child allows people to connect with kids and gives them a youthful spirit.

Being needy doesn’t mean someone is a burden. Everyone has needs, and everyone deserves to get those needs met. Someone who is needy is simply good at asking for what they want and taking care of themselves.

Whatever the qualities are, know that they can be redefined and used as a strength.

5. Forgive yourself for making mistakes.

A lot of us think that being “good” or “worthy” means being perfect. The reality is that no one is perfect. Everyone messes up. Everyone struggles and has a difficult time with life. Making mistakes doesn’t make you inadequate or incapable—it makes you human.

Instead of beating yourself up for being imperfect, embrace your humanness and forgive yourself. Know that you’re doing the best you can and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough.

You can’t go back in time and erase your mistakes, but you can always learn from them. You can always choose to use them as an opportunity for growth.

***Know that there is nothing wrong with who you are.

You are wonderful and special and one of a kind.

You are seen and heard.

You are important and valued and appreciated.

And most importantly, you are loved.

Tried and True Strategies for a Recovery-Focused Holiday – Part I

Holiday gatherings and celebratory feasts can pose some significant challenges, regardless of where you’re at in treatment or recovery. Being aware of them, planning for them and setting yourself up for an enjoyable holiday is important. That’s why we asked all of our clinical staff atCED to share their best advice for having a safe and successful holiday while maintaining or working towards recovery from an eating disorder. They had so much to share that we couldn’t fit it all in just one post so this is just the first of a 3-part series to help you through the before, during and after of the holidays.  

Through the years, these are some of the strategies and suggestions that our therapists have seen the most success with and we hope you will too.  Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at the Center for Eating Disorders at Sheppard Pratt.

Part I: BEFORE the Holiday…

• Plan, Plan, Plan…..with your treatment team and with your primary supports. Develop a very specific, detailed plan for managing all the stressors that come along with the holidays.
• Challenge predictable thoughts before the holiday. If you notice you have predictable patterns of negative thinking pop up at family gatherings or the same triggering thoughts sneak up on you every Thanksgiving day, take time to identify them in advance. Write them down and work on challenging the thoughts ahead of time (on your own or with a therapist) so you’re better prepared to defend against these specific negative/irrational thoughts on the actual day.  You might even consider keeping a list of your positive affirmations or challenge statements with you on Thanksgiving for easy access.  (If you know you’ll have your phone handy, you could even send a text to yourself the day before).
• Identify one or two major positives about the holiday. No matter how anxious or depressed you may feel about an approaching holiday, there IS a positive hidden somewhere, even if it’s as simple as getting time off from school or work.
• Make a list of your top 3 most reliable coping strategies and keep it handy in a notebook or on your phone.

Decrease stress and increase relaxation. Only say “yes” to events that you would like to attend and believe you can attend with success. Keep your daily schedule of activities and gatherings manageable.

~ Kim Anderson, Ph.D., Therapist and CED Psychology Coordinator

• RSVP with a time limit. For example, “Thanks so much for inviting me. I’ll be able to be there from 3:00 to 5:00.” This provides you with some boundaries and an opportunity to leave the situation if it’s becoming detrimental to your recovery. However, if things are going better than expected (which often happens) and you want to stay longer, then you can.
• Choose a worry chair.  If the anxiety is overwhelming or interfering with life, set up an appointment for yourself to “worry” about your concern at a specified time, date and place- this allows you to “delay” the worry and frees you up to take care of business at hand until then.

I really try to highlight for my patients that they are not alone in experiencing high stress around the holidays and that other members of their family are likely struggling with similar anxieties and negative thoughts. Some are able to manage extra stressors in healthy ways like talking about how they’re feeling, getting enough sleep, setting limits, or adding in extra self-care. Other family members may turn to unhealthy management strategies like drinking too much, getting into arguments, withdrawing, avoiding, hiding their feelings, or eating too much/too little. I try to use this to help my patients see that the problem isn’t the food itself, it is ultimately the thoughts and feelings, that can lead to intensified eating disorder urges. Being aware of this can free you up to move forward and choose more constructive and beneficial ways to cope.

~Laura Sproch, Ph.D., Individual and Family Therapist and CED Research Coordinator

• Identify a “safe person” you can go to that is aware of your struggle and will support, distract, and protect you on the day of the holiday gathering. Talk with that person ahead of time so they know exactly how to support you during the meal and in specific situations. These things are not always obvious and support people may need a little “coaching” in advance. Some people even like to arrange a “code word” with their support person that they can say when they’re feeling really triggered and need an opportunity to remove him or herself from the situation.
• A day ahead, you may want to plan out the timing for your meals, especially if Thanksgiving meal is falling at an atypical meal time. Refuse to use that timing issue as an excuse to skip meals or go off your meal plan. Simply juggle around your mealtimes a bit so that you can still fit in breakfast, lunch, dinner and one or two snacks. If you don’t do this in advance, it probably won’t happen.
• Create a holiday project that will provide you with some distraction and also give you something positive to look forward to on the day of the holiday. Consider creating a scrapbook of past family holidays or a hand-made gift for your host/hostess.
• Set realistic expectations. Work on decreasing expectations about decorations, food, family time, and any other areas in which you’re feeling pressure to be perfect.

Real-life holidays, like many things, will not resemble the advertisements and commercials that portray them. Holiday gatherings will not be perfect…someone will spill their drink all over the carpet, your relatives will arrive late (or unexpectedly early!), kids will have tantrums, arguments may occur, and at least some of the food will get overcooked. The great thing is, that’s all okay and normal. If you find yourself expecting a picture perfect Thanksgiving, take time to adjust your vision and agree to embrace the day in all its imperfection. Ultimately, that is exactly what will make it memorable.

~ Kate Clemmer, LCSW-C, CED Community Outreach Coordinator

• Focus on the bigger picture. Research causes or charities that interest you where you might be able to volunteer during the holiday season; focus on the meaning of the holiday rather than the food specifically.
• Don’t skip therapy appointments. With all of the preparations and traveling and extra time committments, many people find themselves tempted to cancel pre-holiday meetings with therapists and dietitians or skip regular support groups.  We’ve encountered this many times before and unfortunately, it rarely results in positive outcomes.  This is exactly the time when extra support is crucial.  Instead of cancelling, consider other options like adjusting your appointment time to an earlier slot before you leave town.
• Begin a daily practice of gratitude. Start each day by reflecting on something you are grateful for. You could write them each down in a journal or even post them on Facebook. This is a great way to head into the holiday with a fresh and positive outlook.

Source: www.eatingdisorder.org//blog

How To Get Through Difficult Times

1. Make a gratitude list.

When life becomes difficult, we tend to focus on the negatives. We get so caught up in everything that’s bad that we lose sight of all the good that still exists. If you find yourself getting lost in the darkness, create some light by writing out a list of all the things there are to be grateful for.

Don’t allow the negative things in your life to discount the positive ones. Don’t let a bad day or month or year make you feel like you have a bad life. Instead of fixating on everything that’s going wrong, focus on all the things that are going right. Let the power of gratitude remind you that there is so much to keep fighting for. 

2. Focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t.

There is a lot in this world that lies beyond our power, but the one thing we always have control over, no matter what our circumstances, is our attitude and outlook. You can’t go back in time and change the past, but you can choose to start today and create a better present. You can’t control how others act or what they say, but you can choose to be kind and compassionate with yourself despite them. You can choose to see your situation as a curse, or you can choose to see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. You can decide that your life is hopeless and admit defeat, or you can choose to hold onto hope and keep picking yourself back up, no matter how many times you fall.

Every day and each moment, you get to choose how you will treat yourself, what thoughts you will accept as truths, and what perspective you will adopt. When you find yourself feeling helpless and hopeless, remind yourself of this power. Remind yourself that the power to heal lies within you and those choices.

3. Look at how far you’ve come instead of how far you still have to go.

It’s easy to get discouraged when you focus on how much work still needs to be done and how many obstacles still stand in your way. The journey to your destination may be a long and difficult one, but it’s still important to stop every now and then and recognize how far you’ve already traveled. It’s important to use that distance as a reminder of your progress and continued growth. 

So when you find yourself feeling stuck and lost and defeated, remind yourself of how much you have overcome to get to this point. The fact that you’re struggling now does  not discount your past triumphs and successes. Recognize that although the journey has been slow, you’ve never given up. No matter how difficult things have been, you have continued to push forward. That courage to continue going, despite how dark things have been, is something you deserve to be incredibly proud of yourself for. Even though it may not feel like it, you aremaking progress. Keep pushing forward and don’t give up.

4. Surround yourself with people who make you feel loved.

When you’re struggling, the worst thing you can do is be alone. Negative thoughts and feelings thrive in isolation. In order to break out of the darkness, you have to surround yourself with positive people and love. Being around others may not cure you of your pain, but it certainly doesn’t hurt and if anything, it gives you the opportunity to get support. 

Letting people see you in a vulnerable place can be scary, but struggling in the presence of people who can give you love and support feels a lot better than being alone in your pain. So start bringing down your walls and start letting people in. You can and will heal—but you can’t do it alone.

5. Reach out.

I know that you want to be strong for the people you love. I know that you want to be self-reliant and competent. But I also need you to know asking for help doesn’t make you weak or incapable or inadequate—it makes you human. We all struggle. And at some point, we all need help. You are no exception to that. 

Instead of choosing to view reaching out as something bad or shameful, try to see it as a form of self-care. Because by reaching out, you’re giving yourself the opportunity to get your needs met and heal. And that is something that takes far more strength and courage than struggling on your own and denying yourself help. 

Whether you text a friend and share how you’re struggling, invite someone to come over and keep you company, video chat withs someone you love, or call someone you can vent to, give yourself permission to get support. Give yourself the opportunity to receive the precious gifts reaching out has to offer. 

6. Be kind to yourself. 

Beating yourself up for struggling doesn’t help your situation. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. The truth is that we all struggle. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and everyone goes through periods of hardship. So instead of criticizing and punishing yourself for something we all battle, choose to act in a way that is conducive to your healing. Choose to treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

This means not judging yourself for being imperfect and forgiving yourself for making mistakes. It means not holding yourself to impossibly high standards. It means putting an end to comparing yourself to others. It means challenging the negative beliefs you have about yourself, and adopting new, self-loving and accepting thoughts.

Being kind and compassionate means treating yourself as you would a friend. It means doing self-care when you feel like punishing yourself with self-destructive behaviors. It means resting when you’re tired and saying no to things that would force you to compromise your wellbeing. It means going at your own pace and honoring your process. And it means reminding yourself that you’re doing the best you can given your circumstances, and that’s enough.

7. Do self care.

Sometimes the darkness we’re feeling is so great that we can’t find the strength to counter the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. If you find yourself in this position, don’t judge it. Don’t punish yourself or engage in unhealthy behaviors. If you can’t think nicely of yourself, try doing nice things for yourself. Try using healthy, self-soothing coping mechanisms.

Take a bubble bath, get a massage, cuddle with a pet, make plans with a supportive friend, watch your favorite movie, do something you’re passionate about, go for a walk, journal, get a manicure, listen to calming music, do deep breathing—whatever it is, make sure it’s something healing that helps you get out of your head. If you try one coping mechanism and it doesn’t work, don’t admit defeat. Keep trying. Try different activities. Ask someone to try one with you. Be patient. Don’t give up. 

8. Feel your feelings. 

There is a lot of built up energy and emotion underlying our current circumstances and struggle. Holding in how we feel and engaging in behaviors to numb out may make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it doesn’t remedy the pain we feel. It’s a temporary fix that only perpetuates our pain and keeps us stuck.

In order to heal and move forward, you have to feel our feelings. Whether that means throwing a tantrum on the floor, journaling, venting to a friend on the phone, punching a pillow, screaming in your car, or crying in bed, you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Let go of the judgement you have about what you feel and recognize that you are feeling these things for a reason. Give yourself permission to release your emotions and let everything out. Acknowledge the pain, feel it, learn from it, recognize why it no longer serves you, and let it go.It’s the only way. 

9. Remind yourself that you aren’t alone.

One of the most healing things we can do is to remind ourselves that we are not alone in how we feel or what we’re going through. To remind ourselves that even when we feel alone in the world, there are so many other people fighting our same fight, and through that shared experience, we are always connected. Just as others have fought our same fight and made it to the other side, we too can overcome this. We are not alone. Not ever. 
  

10. Remind yourself that this will pass.

In the moment, the pain of our struggle feels as though it will last forever. It feels wounding and incapacitating, and the idea of going another minute feeling this pain seems 

unbearable. But the truth is that like all feelings and struggles, it will pass. Maybe not this minute, maybe not for an hour or for the remainder of the night, but it will eventually subside.

Feelings are like waves. They come in strong, peek, and then fade. Your circumstances are no exception. Just because you’re struggling now doesn’t mean you will struggle 

forever. Breathe. In and out. Again and again, and remind yourself that this will pass. Remind yourself that you will make it through. Remind yourself that you have struggled before and survived it, and so, you can survive it today. It will pass. It always has and always will.